Traditional Jewish Jokes & Anecdotes, No. 18

Bringing Home Gifts

Lionel Smithfield was on his way home from a two week business trip to London.  It had been enormously successful, several vital contracts signed, important contacts made, and the promise of more in the near future.  As he walked around the departures lounge of Heathrow Airport filling in the remaining hour and a half before his flight back to Chicago, feeling rather good about himself and optimistic about the years to come, he decided that, instead of the usual little touristy gift for his wife, he would get her something really good.

He drifted towards a jewellery boutique and glanced at the items on display.  A rather good-looking young woman behind the counter eyed his movements and came over.  “Looking for a gift for someone special,” she said, partly as a question and partly as a guide to his intentions.

“Yes, for my wife,” he said.  “I want to get her something really nice.”

“Do you want to choose a ring or a bracelet or a watch or…?”

“What about a necklace,” he said. “Something small, discreet but also elegant.  The price doesn’t—well, it matters a little, but I want something that isn’t cheap.”

“I understand perfectly,” the young woman said, though he could sense that this was just a patter and she had been trained to inveigle men like himself into spending more than they intended.

“Yes,” he said, “could you show me something that isn’t gaudy.”

The woman motioned for him to follow her, and she opened a tray full of small objects on gold, silver and platinum chains.

“Perhaps one of these,” she said, lifting up a small crucifix.

As she did so, Lionel felt a clutch in his stomach.  Some ancestral feeling was lurking down there and it was beginning to awaken.  He knew it occasionally, this old self he once was, when he was still called Leopold Schmidt, or Little Leo, by his parents.  They themselves had changed their name from Schartzfeld when they migrated from the Old Country in the early 1920s.  But what had this feeling to do with him now and certainly it had no meaning for his wife—one of those shicksas his parents took some while to accept.

“Yes,” he said.  “That’s nice.  But can you show me some others.”

“Of course, sir,” she replied unctuously now, sensing a sale in the wind.  “Take a look at these.”

She took out a few of these crosses, some with diamonds or rubies and other jewels incrusted on them.

He backed off a little.

“No, I think they are a bit too gaudy, you know.  Do you have any in a more smart, elegant style.”

The young woman warmed to the occasion.

“We certainly do, sir,” she said, and she slid open another draw, took out a small tray, and laid it on the counter.  “Take a look at these.  Feel the weight and the smoothness.”

Lionel felt them in his hands, and he started to sweat and to feel his heart pounding irregularly.

“I am not sure,” he said.

“Well,” said the saleswoman, “I think I know what you would like, or rather, would please your wife immensely.”

Lionel coughed and almost choked.  The woman caught the signal.

“Oh, but they aren’t much more expensive than the crosses I have shown you already.”

She took out a tray from an even deeper draw and laid it before him.

“You and your wife are sure to like these.  Look, they have a little man on them.”

Little Leo could sense the vomit in his throat, backed away, and managed to say, ”O dear, I very sorry. I must catch my plane,” and he ran quickly towards his gate.

As she gathered the crosses, put them back in their trays, and deposited them in the appropriate drawers, the young woman muttered under breath. “Cheapskate Yids.”