1. To be inscribed on the shell of a hardboiled
goose egg and then fragmented into tiny pieces, boiled in water, and gently
sipped:
PITOCH, Prince of Forgetting, before I forget
who you are, come into my mind, and cleanse it of all bad feelings, memories of
pain and pressures. It is far better to
purge the soul of rancor and rigidity than to sharpen your anger and plunge it
into the back of those you love the best.
Oh, by the way, whoever you are, do that thing I asked you last
week--which I cannot recall now--or I will fill you full of pins and grind you
into dust.
2. Upon reaching the age of discretion and
realizing the fullness of your ego, when walking on a public street, it is
advisable to wrap yourself in a white cloth tied tightly around your
middle. Beware of seeing pigs, dogs,
monkeys and public consultants; and if you do, spit three times, pinch your
nose, and walk backwards seven paces.
Should you have taken a shower within one hour, return home to wash
again. However, if you meet either a
lawyer or a politician, you may avert your eyes and say the following: “I owe
you nothing. I will not pay by the
minute. I refuse to answer polls.” On the other hand, it is good luck to meet a
bicyclist, a man in a clown suit, or a woman pushing twins in a stroller. Upon
arriving at your destination, sigh contentedly and remove the swaddling clothes. You may relax and drink Diet Coke.
3. Recipe for warding off depression. Take four deep breaths. Drink one half liter of purified water. Turn around three times widershins. Knock gently on street lamps to hear if
anyone is home. See if you can find
where the wind blows out of trees. Count
the first eight raindrops in a storm.
Sit silently at home without watching television for two whole
nights. Never drink diet beverages.
4. It is said that a mother’s eyes sparkle when
she looks into the face of her newborn infant.
This is because at the fovea
centralis, deep in the retina, shaded by the swirl of pupillary dilation,
there is a synaptic spark released at precisely the moment the infant
smiles. If possible, one may capture
this instant of dyadic communication.
The room should be just light enough to move quietly, so as not to
disrupt the intercortical discharge. It
is not possible to reproduce this effect digitally or chemically on a
computer. But everything we are or ever
do depends on the memory of having experienced that moment at least once.
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